he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
