Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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