Ketchup is God's man juice
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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