I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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