Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
