so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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