Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
