Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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