Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
