JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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