By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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