I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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