it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize