tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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