Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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