Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
