that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
