Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
