i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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