God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
