listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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