Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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