I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
