i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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