Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
