He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
