My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
