I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
