I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
