i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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