I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
