Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
