Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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