I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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