the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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