he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
