He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
