Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
