my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
