Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
