Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
