Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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