Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
