brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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