this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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