I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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