I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
