im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
