but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
