Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
