meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
