Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
