wanna go halves on a baby?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
