Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
