I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize